Breakdown

It's true what they say about new teachers having an emotional meltdown. I was privileged enough to experience my first one last week Wednesday. Yes, it is true, this does happen. Stress converging from too many points and then one incident sets you off. Well for me it was my third hour, which by the way is my worst hour, but the day started off fine. I had a great second hour and moving into third I was bracing myself for the upcoming "confrontation" I had to make to two of my students who did not wish to participate in class. I asked both students to come out into the hallway since they chose not to participate with the regular class work. Following that one of the students started accusing me of disrespecting him and telling me I had an attitude. Well, he said he didn't want to have a confrontation so he wanted me to write him a pass to the office to drop my class. I gladly wrote him one. Once the student was out of the room I had received another new student in my class and so I was explaining the project we were doing together as a class. We are reading The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold and that hour just did not want to participate at all. So as I was explaining again I just told them they can pick out their own project and do that for their three weeks.

That's when I lost it.

I didn't cry in front of them, but left the room to collect myself. Well, I couldn't collect myself and then after that the floodgates were opened. I was finally able to go home around lunch to recoup, but the experience left me trembling. I was concerned with how I gave up. I am not that kind of person. So it really scared me. The stress of trying to get the kids interested in the book was, I think, too much for me to handle. Next time I will try something a bit less challenging. Alice Sebold writes in a distinct way and some of the students are easily discouraged by her way of writing. I can understand that. What I don't understand is the terrible attitude that most kids have in this school. They are frustrated and don't try and want to do as little or no work as possible. I know that teaching is a good choice for me, but sometimes I doubt myself and my abilities. I did realize though that I can become stronger after these kinds of incidents, but my suggestion to all of you new teachers out there is to think about that one student you have helped, influenced, taught, or learned from and it makes it all worthwhile in the end.

Broken...

So I just feel I can't get things right. Even though the other teachers tell me, "Don't take it personal..." I just feel that I can't teach some days. Other days I feel that I have the greatest experience ever with the kids. I guess I just need to hold onto something to get me through the day. Some of these kids have gotten nothing but the general "you won't graduate" spiel from one teacher or parent or some other adult and I feel that they have these pre-designed resentments already in practice when I get them in my classroom. How does one teach, if another is unwilling to learn?

Another disturbing thing that I have been mulling over is a book I happened upon the other day in the Young Adult section of Borders. It was a book called, "The Teenage Liberation Handbook: how to quit school and get a real life and education" and it disturbed me so much I am writing about it. There was a chapter on Teachers and to tell the truth it made me feel inconsequential and basically make me want to change my profession. Everyone should just educate themselves I guess. I don't teach because I want to control. I teach because I love literature and I love English. Apparently to the woman who wrote it didn't believe in this sort of thing. I feel cursed with my profession and am currently thinking of going back to school for another career next semester. I feel everything I will do will not affect anyone and it will be a waste of my life to teach something nobody wants to learn about.

I feel so insignificant.